It’s been a busy few weeks for me it seems. I haven’t had all that much time to game during the last fortnight. My best friend got married last weekend, I’ve been fighting off a cold that had me sleeping during my spare time, and to top it off both computer and console hardware have literally been breaking at the worst possible times too. So my gaming platforms just have not been co-operating lately; it all started with my Android tablet that simply stopped booting now won’t turn on at all no matter how long I charge it.
I had a trusty old, IBM “Quiet-Key” keyboard bite the dust on me. The space bar stopped working. I tried to fix it and was doing quite well at it in fact, but when it came time to reattach the space bar to the keyboard, instead of it cleaning clicking into place like it has so many other times before, it snapped in half. Yes, right in half. In that moment I felt slighted, betrayed by the device I saved from the scrap pile and brought back to life, nurturing it, cleaning it, readjusting the damaged pins and replacing the little rubber keypads under the keys themselves that had either torn or otherwise dry-rotted simply due to age. In that moment of blind rage I picked up the keyboard and snapped it in half, warping the aluminium tray inside the housing beyond repair and scattering keys across my room in a shower of violent joy.
What came next was a few moments of satisfaction, a calming sensation washed over me as I held the now “V” shaped peripheral in my hand. The entire time thinking “This... This is what you get for failing me. I will destroy you for your indiscretion!” Immediately following that was something a little bit less enjoyable, panic. I realized that I didn’t even have a spare keyboard laying around to use. an old Apple keyboard that quite frankly was a poor design choice 10-12 years ago when Apple went with it and wouldn’t work for gaming. The other was the Dell keyboard that I had acquired from the junk pile where I work. It was brand new,(it’s amazing what people will throw away these days,) but unfortunately hooked up to my Linux server. The server which has seen some better days as of late probably didn’t need that keyboard. I reasoned that since the server hadn’t been functioning properly and warranted a reformat I could simply pull the keyboard from the server. I will be damned, I do not like that keyboard one bit! I am still looking for a good, affordable replacement for it!
The next thing to go was my favorite PS3 controller. I picked up a copy of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, (a game so crazy I am pretty sure they just made up a word for it.) I was kicking back and having a few cocktails while I made some spicy beef stew in a crockpot. I figured everything was set so I’d start playing Metal Gear. This idea didn’t get too far unfortunately. After starting the game on the hard difficulty (which I regret at the moment.) I played for awhile until low and behold, my shaker full of delicious booze was empty. I paused the game and head right downstairs, taking the controller with me as I go for some reason. About halfway down the stairs the controller slips from my sweating, booze-infused fingertips. The controller bounces down the stairs, flipping and churning in the air like some out-of-control missile, or drunk gymnast launching off the uneven bars. I winced with each thick cracking sound it made as the plastic crashed onto the wooden step. I watch it, expecting it to explode into a million little shards. With each bounce my fears subsided though. That is, right up until the very last step. I knew this one was different at the moment of impact, the sound of plastic bouncing off wood gave way to the sound of a low-splitting noise and instead of bouncing it just thumped onto the floor with what leftover kinetic energy it had.
I moved down to the bottom of the stairs and begrudgingly scooped up my favorite controller to find that the bottom left side of my controller had split wide open like a desperate animal trying to leap a barbed-wire fence. The thought of finding some way to repair it crossed my mind as the gyroscope inside of the controller could clearly be seen detached and flopping around freely within the controller. I took a deep breath, sighed and in my head said “I am sorry old friend, but it’s your time.” Without a moments pause, dashed the controller on the floor as hard as I could, sending plastic, buttons and analog sticks flying. Unlike the keyboard I wasn’t angry, for my controller broke out of my own clumsiness, and while the keyboard had a longer life that any dog that ever lived the controller only lasted about a year or so. I also felt the sting with the controller because it was a $50.00 investment that had not fully been realized and now never would be. While the keyboard was a disposable piece of tech that was not long for this world to begin with; the controller was still a child.
Now, I do not have anger management issues. I don’t go around a hairs width away from just knocking out old ladies and pushing children down stairs at any moment. No, if you know me at all I am a pretty laid back guy. I destroy my broken technology for a few reasons. You can’t simply throw this stuff away, it’s got to be recycled and it costs money so I usually bring it all in at once, collecting enough to make the disposal run worth it. so for starters, it’s practical. If the hardware is utterly destroyed then there is no danger that I will get it confused with working technology that I do have as well. Secondly, It’s kind of a ritual for me. The one last loud bang before it falls silent forever, like sending a fallen comrade off with a 21-gun salute. Admittedly, sometimes it’s just for the satisfaction, it’s fun breaking things, even if they are already broken. Knowing that shattering something all over the ground that is never going to work again anyway seems just fine. I might as well “give it the business,” as I say. There are no consequences to breaking something that’s already been broken, you know unless you throw it through a TV or onto your little toe, but stupid decisions of clumsy gestures aside it’s just a ritual I feel I must do when my tech has finally kicked the bucket.
Now, I just need to figure out a creative way to send that Samsung Galaxy 10.1 Tablet up to the old scrap heap in the sky... I’m thinking maybe a shotgun... or firecrackers. Admittedly, this is a revenge kick, I babied the thing and the day I got my new phone it just stopped working, so it’s made it personal. If I could attach a rocket and fire it into the sun I would, I just don’t have the budget for that.
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