When Good Tech Goes Bad

It’s been a busy few weeks for me it seems. I haven’t had all that much time to game during the last fortnight. My best friend got married last weekend, I’ve been fighting off a cold that had me sleeping during my spare time, and to top it off both computer and console hardware have literally been breaking at the worst possible times too. So my gaming platforms just have not been co-operating lately; it all started with my Android tablet that simply stopped booting now won’t turn on at all no matter how long I charge it.

I had a trusty old, IBM “Quiet-Key” keyboard bite the dust on me. The space bar stopped working. I tried to fix it and was doing quite well at it in fact, but when it came time to reattach the space bar to the keyboard, instead of it cleaning clicking into place like it has so many other times before, it snapped in half. Yes, right in half. In that moment I felt slighted, betrayed by the device I saved from the scrap pile and brought back to life, nurturing it, cleaning it, readjusting the damaged pins and replacing the little rubber keypads under the keys themselves that had either torn or otherwise dry-rotted simply due to age. In that moment of blind rage I picked up the keyboard and snapped it in half, warping the aluminium tray inside the housing beyond repair and scattering keys across my room in a shower of violent joy.

What came next was a few moments of satisfaction, a calming sensation washed over me as I held the now “V” shaped peripheral in my hand. The entire time thinking “This... This is what you get for failing me. I will destroy you for your indiscretion!” Immediately following that was something a little bit less enjoyable, panic. I realized that I didn’t even have a spare keyboard laying around to use. an old Apple keyboard that quite frankly was a poor design choice 10-12 years ago when Apple went with it and wouldn’t work for gaming. The other was the Dell keyboard that I had acquired from the junk pile where I work. It was brand new,(it’s amazing what people will throw away these days,) but unfortunately hooked up to my Linux server. The server which has seen some better days as of late probably didn’t need that keyboard. I reasoned that since the server hadn’t been functioning properly and warranted a reformat I could simply pull the keyboard from the server. I will be damned, I do not like that keyboard one bit! I am still looking for a good, affordable replacement for it!

The next thing to go was my favorite PS3 controller. I picked up a copy of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, (a game so crazy I am pretty sure they just made up a word for it.) I was kicking back and having a few cocktails while I made some spicy beef stew in a crockpot. I figured everything was set so I’d start playing Metal Gear. This idea didn’t get too far unfortunately. After starting the game on the hard difficulty (which I regret at the moment.) I played for awhile until low and behold, my shaker full of delicious booze was empty. I paused the game and head right downstairs, taking the controller with me as I go for some reason. About halfway down the stairs the controller slips from my sweating, booze-infused fingertips. The controller bounces down the stairs, flipping and churning in the air like some out-of-control missile, or drunk gymnast launching off the uneven bars. I winced with each thick cracking sound it made as the plastic crashed onto the wooden step. I watch it, expecting it to explode into a million little shards. With each bounce my fears subsided though. That is, right up until the very last step. I knew this one was different at the moment of impact, the sound of plastic bouncing off wood gave way to the sound of a low-splitting noise and instead of bouncing it just thumped onto the floor with what leftover kinetic energy it had.

I moved down to the bottom of the stairs and begrudgingly scooped up my favorite controller to find that the bottom left side of my controller had split wide open like a desperate animal trying to leap a barbed-wire fence. The thought of finding some way to repair it crossed my mind as the gyroscope inside of the controller could clearly be seen detached and flopping around freely within the controller. I took a deep breath, sighed and in my head said “I am sorry old friend, but it’s your time.” Without a moments pause, dashed the controller on the floor as hard as I could, sending plastic, buttons and analog sticks flying. Unlike the keyboard I wasn’t angry, for my controller broke out of my own clumsiness, and while the keyboard had a longer life that any dog that ever lived the controller only lasted about a year or so. I also felt the sting with the controller because it was a $50.00 investment that had not fully been realized and now never would be. While the keyboard was a disposable piece of tech that was not long for this world to begin with; the controller was still a child.

Now, I do not have anger management issues. I don’t go around a hairs width away from just knocking out old ladies and pushing children down stairs at any moment. No, if you know me at all I am a pretty laid back guy. I destroy my broken technology for a few reasons. You can’t simply throw this stuff away, it’s got to be recycled and it costs money so I usually bring it all in at once, collecting enough to make the disposal run worth it. so for starters, it’s practical. If the hardware is utterly destroyed then there is no danger that I will get it confused with working technology that I do have as well. Secondly, It’s kind of a ritual for me. The one last loud bang before it falls silent forever, like sending a fallen comrade off with a 21-gun salute. Admittedly, sometimes it’s just for the satisfaction, it’s fun breaking things, even if they are already broken. Knowing that shattering something all over the ground that is never going to work again anyway seems just fine. I might as well “give it the business,” as I say. There are no consequences to breaking something that’s already been broken, you know unless you throw it through a TV or onto your little toe, but stupid decisions of clumsy gestures aside it’s just a ritual I feel I must do when my tech has finally kicked the bucket.

Now, I just need to figure out a creative way to send that Samsung Galaxy 10.1 Tablet up to the old scrap heap in the sky... I’m thinking maybe a shotgun... or firecrackers. Admittedly, this is a revenge kick, I babied the thing and the day I got my new phone it just stopped working, so it’s made it personal. If I could attach a rocket and fire it into the sun I would, I just don’t have the budget for that.          

I Fucking Suck at Starcaft

There’s no way around it. That is the cold-hard, painful and realistic truth. I fucking suck at starcraft, specifically Starcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm.

I know I haven’t exactly kept up on it since SCII: Wings of Liberty’s release. I played for a while online and then it just sort of petered out, but I’ve put a lot of time into the game since the new expansion was released. After playing against the computer quite regularly and became able to defeat the A.I. on hard. I said to myself, “Self, you’re now ready to go online, challenge then defeat your opponents in this arena of combat where wits and speed determine the winner, you can do this!”

Well you know what? I can’t do it! The learning curve in the multiplayer world of a game that’s been out for two years is damned near vertical! Seriously, it’s almost impossible to enter the arena with people who’ve done nothing but play SCII for the last two years. I remember playing online for awhile when it was first released and here is the thing, this may sound crazy but I was significantly more terrible at the game then, than I am now; I did however have significantly more wins under my belt then I do now. I even enjoyed about a week or so in the Gold ranked league for awhile. I felt pretty god damned proud of myself at that point.

You may think I am exaggerating about how generally terrible I am at the game, but I am not. The last game I played earlier this week was a 2 vs 2 unranked match. Basically, it’s where you go to get practice against other players without having to get ranked. 

Well, needless to say I lost the match and my partner (whom actually did next to nothing that match,) said “You suck and should not be playing any ranked matches.” That’s how bad I am. I am so bad at SCII that people are telling me to not play ranked matches... in unranked games! That doesn’t do much for one’s confidence.

So what now? I find myself torn between playing the successor of my favorite Real-Time Strategy game of all time and dreading the inevitable and very unfortunate reality of having my ass thoroughly removed cheek-by-cheek then handed back to me gift wrapped with a tag on it that says “HA!” It’s downright discouraging! I watch my replays like a good competitor, I watch and read strategy guides from the world’s top-ranking player (Seriously, these fuckin’ people make six figures a year playing Starcraft!) I’ve improved my APM (Actions Per Minute) from something like the low 40’s to 110-120 range and I still suck at Starcraft. I can’t be the only one out there who’s just pouring time into a pipe dream like this can I?

What deity do I need to sell my soul to, to become good at Starcraft? All of them maybe, because I can probably do that. I don’t even believe in the immortal soul. Maybe if I prayed to Blizzard, or the Queen of Blades things will work out? I play Terran so should I probably praise Raynor. “Commander Raynor, please grace will the power and angry of the Terran race, protect me with your Battlecruisers and may their Yamato cannon’s aim be true to smite my enemies on the field of battle... All hail the Raynor!” Lets see if that works...

I’ll let you all know how it works out...

Oh Sweet Baby Billy

What is it about Twitter that seems to get people into so much trouble? Is it because there is a limited number of characters so people can’t express themselves properly? Or is it simply that some people like making other’s angry in a public forum for no other purpose than self-satisfaction? It never fails to amaze me, people especially in the Tech or gaming industry will manage to put their foot in their own mouth so deftly that the PR division of these companies collectively facepalm so hard there is an audible and synchronized slapping sound resonating from an entire wing of an office building.

Well this month, just like every month since Twitter’s creation certainly hasn’t failed to disappoint us. The topic has swung back in the direction of DRM; specifically rumors surrounding the “Always-On” Digital Rights Management system for the next Xbox from Microsoft that is rumored to be included. These entertaining statements that come in the form of a communicative train wreck are courtesy of Microsoft's Creative Director Adam Orth, or “Orthy” as his Twitter handle would have him called. Who is now claiming that they were a “joke,” yet was responding rather rudely to people who did not understand it was joke, nor took it that way. Not that they can be blamed, since the corresponding conversations did not seem like a joke.
Now, lets just accept the fact the people are going to have different opinions than others. That’s just the pitfalls of free will, you’re going to disagree with people from time to time. 

There are a few special cases though where someone’s opinion is just plain wrong. To give you an example or two, the people who believe we’ve never landed on the moon; these people are idiots, or people that believe Autism is caused by vaccinations, also a special kind of stupid that can only exist when you willfully ignore the facts. Orthy’s comments about DRM and how he doesn’t see the problem with the “Always-On” Console DRM are certainly special. Keep in mind that this is after the debacle that EA is still recovering from after the Simcity 5 release. Not only is the man’s opinion one of those rare pieces of perfectly wrong and ignorant gold for the internet masses to rage at, it couldn’t possibly have worse timing! Once that acronym is brought up, every gamer shivers by pure reflex now and with good reason.

If there is one thing I’ve learned after spending years of my life on the internet, it’s that it probably is not a good idea to post a wildly unpopular opinion, or statement on a social networking site for the world to see without context. You’re totally free to, but you’re also free to drop a hammer on your toe, it just not highly recommended. There is no other way to get gamers and technophiles worked up faster than having a mind numbingly stupid statement about the future of someone’s favorite hobby. Well, Adam you’ve certainly succeeded at garnering attention. I, like millions of other people didn’t know or care who you were until yesterday. Now Microsoft’s PR team is going to have to do damage control over what is now being shrugged off as a “personal” joke, between two friends who just happened to let millions of people watch... See? Not a very good idea. We all know what a new and strange place the internet is compared to other forms of communication and entertainment but at this point we’ve become so connected that things said in cyberspace can easily affect the real-world, as has been demonstrated time and time again.

It’s alright that our poorly informed and opinionated Creative Director of Xbox has a different point-of-view than the rest of us folks living in the real world. What isn’t alright is the way he went about explaining himself. This man, is currently talking about a product for a company that he works for and it’s generating a negative response. So to him, obviously the logical next step was to continue to say arrogant shit for the world to see. If you’re lucky to have been promoted up to a directing position for a multi-billion dollar, world-wide company you must realize that you’re a representative of that company and some tact may be in order. Or, I guess maybe you don’t because you’ve lost some humility while rising in the ranks. Even if common sense no longer happened to be a strong point of yours shouldn’t you have the grace and wisdom to maybe shut your mouth when things start to snowball? As a creative director the guy wasn’t hired to be a mouthpiece or face of the product. That’s what Marketing and PR is for, and the job Orthy certainly wasn’t hired to do.

It should go without saying that the always on DRM system is a poor idea at best with most of the developed world’s current network infrastructure. At worst it’s a comet-sized shit-missile that can single-handedly stop a company from moving thousands of units and lower it’s stock value for a month or two. If there is one thing that gets your boss to take notice it is when you start fucking with their profit. In a real horror scenario it can send a company into a nose dive. While this isn’t going to happen to Microsoft, it still doesn’t make them look good. The simple reality is that not everyone has a stable or high-speed internet connection. Everyone should at least have access to it in the United States at this point, but that’s another topic altogether. By having an always on DRM with a console you’ve effectively cut off the subset of people who like to play video games but also happen to have a shit internet connection, like anyone living in the country or college students who are stuck in dorms sharing internet with 600 other students. Hell, even the person whose internet connection went down unexpectedly can’t even play a single-player game while they wait for the connection to come back. Suddenly, you’ve got an expensive and flashy paperweight that could do something; you know, if it weren’t for a poor idea that made it too far. 

When it comes right down to it, people don’t give a company hundreds of their hard-earned dollars to be told when or how they can use a product they’ve paid for. It’s bad enough Microsoft is legitimately considering something like this for their next console, but to have your Creative Director start running his mouth over twitter telling people to “Deal with it!” just adds insult to injury. Whether it's a joke or not, he is a representative of Microsoft and people don't take these things lightly. We’ve seen people lose their jobs for less over similar issues, while I don't think he should be fired, he definitely needs to think about what he posts before putting it online. Orthy should probably quit while he’s ahead and just let the Microsoft’s PR team clean up his mess, unless they don’t care, which they may not. All this may just be one big misunderstanding, but it’s something that was avoidable, there are ways to send inside jokes back and forth to one another over the net and it’s called private messaging. Unfortunately for Adam, even if this is a misunderstanding caused by little to no context the damage has already been done.

Bring us the Girl and Wipe Away the Debt.

You may or may not be surprised by the fact that I’ve pretty much only played Bioshock Infinite for the last week. I beat the game the second time through on Tuesday and it holds up just as well on the second playthrough as it does for the first one.

After my second time completing the game I had more of a chance to enjoy all the detail put into it. There is just so much to take in the game required another playthrough. The second time through I spent my time wandering around the game somewhat randomly; doubling back or checking every corner and alley looking for small pieces of gold hidden among the floating streets, buildings and barges of Columbia. I simply cannot get over the density and complexity of the game. Everywhere you look it feels like there is a story to tell. From the man slinging Betterman’s Autobody, trying to convince folks to become the powerful Handyman or it’s the mother yelling at her child in the corner of a busy public square, or watching the workers as they toiled away, trying to get their piece of faulty American dream that has been sold to them by men like Comstock and Fink.

Elizabeth and Booker seem to fit this world, they aren’t just existing in it or moving through it. There is even a world that exists outside of Columbia, and accompanied a feeling of the city trying to be a bubble but is still subject to on-lookers from the outside world. This is something that the previous Bioshock games just didn’t have. It felt like Rapture was at the bottom of the ocean. Our two protagonists have an impact on Columbia and they bring a lot of gravity with them and their actions.

The city in the clouds also has a profound affect on our characters as well. Both learn and discover things about themselves, Elizabeth especially. At the start of the game she is a naive, teenager right on the cusp of adulthood. She’s controlled by Zachary Hale Comstock and his people, but she is safe; she knows very little of the struggles within the city, let alone the world at large and just wants out of the tower she’s lived in since she was a baby girl. She is very much the Damsel in distress when the game starts out. Her view of the world is very black and white when we first meet her. Elizabeth is the most important character in the game, more important than Booker, Comstock or the twins. She’s been placed The city in the clouds also has a profound affect on our characters as well. Both learn and discover things about themselves, Elizabeth especially. At the start of the game she is a naive, teenager right on the cusp of adulthood. She’s controlled by Zachary Hale Comstock and his people, but she is safe; she knows very little of the struggles within the city, let alone the world at large and just wants out of the tower she’s lived in since she was a baby girl. She is very much the Damsel in distress when the game starts out. Her view of the world is very black and white when we first meet her. Elizabeth is the most important character in the game, more important than Booker, Comstock or the twins. She’s been placed at the center of a completely fictitious world, seemingly constructed for her and Booker to exist in, however Columbia doesn’t feel like it exists solely for them, rather they are another story to be told from within the city’s already colorful and lively existence. The way it moves and changes as the game progresses almost makes it a character in itself. Elizabeth just fits into it like that one integral puzzle piece that finally brings everything into focus and gives the story, setting and all the characters context. The story is very much tragedy in a classic sense. Our character, Booker DeWitt struggles with his past in ways that become more apparent as the story goes on, while Elizabeth struggles with the reality of what Columbia really is.

 
The Nationalist pride coupled with the feeling of white superiority over the city’s black and Irish residents is eye-opening to see in a video game. The themes of racism and religious entitlement are forced onto the player immediately upon entering the deceivingly beautiful city in ways that may be uncomfortable for some players. At the same time, it’s these facts and these ugly truths that have come from our own country’s history that make it so powerful and so believable. These themes are very much in the forefront of the game and Irrational was not looking to pull any punches it seems when exposing the player and Elizabeth to these seedy truths in Columbia. They also do a wonderful job at drawing a clear line between the haves and have-nots. Business moguls like Fink in the game are heard parroting their beliefs over intercoms and recordings, peddling their broken logic of superiority and why things must be the way they are. The “White Man’s Burden,” is very much a background themes in this game and definitely drives the story behind the scenes, pushing the Vox Populi and the disenfranchised within Columbia’s ruling class.

The game also doesn’t shy away from tying in some of the true and less savory bits of American history, for instances how the railroads in the early 1900’s were built on the backs of slaves and immigrants or how big business worked its way into government. It’s this meshing of historical reality with fiction that really helps make this world believable. In fact, much more so than most FPS games out now. Other recent titles that come to mind is Crysis 3, while the game is a gorgeous and testament to the power of today’s desktop computer was rather uninspired and unfortunately has devolved to the point of being a rail-shooter with no real spirit left in it. What Bioshock Infinite lacks in it’s  aging Unreal 3 engine it more than makes up for it in immersion, storytelling and spirit, not to mention fast-paced, nail-biting action. While there are certainly slow points in the game, this is now a bad thing. It is rather lulls in the action to simply give you time to reflect, explore and discover things about Columbia, our protagonists and hopefully even a little bit about ourselves.   

There is more substance in Bioshock Infinite then probably any other game I’ve ever played and gives the player the feeling that particular care was put into the a city too ridiculous to exist, yet has so much life in it that after completing the game it’s almost hard to believe that it doesn’t. If this is what we have to look forward to from Irrational Games and Ken Levine, then I can’t wait to see what other projects come from them in the future. Bioshock Infinite took over five years to develop and it was well worth the wait after it’s given me one of the most rewarding gaming experiences I can ever remember.

I would also suggest giving this interview a listen if you've got the time NPR definitely takes an intelligent stance on the subject and gives Ken Levine, as well as a whole group of fans the chance to speak about the game.

My Favorite Pokemon (For Eating!)

1. Snorlax

This one is a no-brainer, he’s huge and moves very little so it’s got a similar property to veil without having to feel guilty about eating a small and defenseless baby animal. There is very little stress being put on the muscles and when it happens, it’s for short amounts of time. Also, look at that gut! I mean imagine just slicing a few strips off and cooking them up like bacon. Snorlax meat has the tendency to be a little gamey , but with the right seasoning is absolutely mouth watering. The amount of people the Snorlax could feed is a big plus too. You say you’re having some friends over for a Barbeque or a family reunion? Well, start up the smoker and get some fresh apple wood because we’re having Snorlax ribs tonight! There is so much you can do with Snorlax meat and it will last a pretty long time if you freeze it for later as well, though I do recommend due to it’s fatty nature that you slow cook it. This will get the most out of that flavor locked up in that fat not to mention make it tender and juicy.

2. Bayleef

Naturally you've got to have some greens to go with your saucy rack of Snorlax ribs, that’s why we went with Bayleef. It adds a nice leafy green and nutty flavor that rounds out a lot of dishes that may be a bit fatty of heavy on the digestive system, just like a Snorlax or Slaking. It also makes a great base for just a salad if you're a vegetarian. Bayleef can be paired with Apple, cranberries and of course is delicious with most other types of Grass Pokemon. Now, you can get these at your local supermarket but to be honest, you want these little beauties to be as fresh as possible and with a short growing season they do have a tendency to evolve before people get a chance to eat it. You don't want to even eat Meganium. Not only is it bitter and tough to chew through, you're liable to get your ass kicked trying to catch it. Once it’s matured so much, you might as well get another and attempt to breed your own so you can have fresh Bayleef all year around!

3. Bouffalant

Here is a really difficult one to get your hands on. It only exists in the wild. While people have been able to breed some in captivity, there is just something about them becoming a farm animal that makes them very tough and chewy, to a point of being practically inedible. If you plan on getting one of those you'd best plan on taking a little hunting trip. While they exist in abundance they are incredibly stubborn. You also want to keep your distance since large groups of Bouffalant have a tendency to stampede when cornered or frightened. ground Bouffalant make for an exquisite cheese burger that the whole family will love, or for the more formal dinners have a superb loin cut that is so tender I swear it will melt in your mouth before you've even got to chew it! It also can easily be cured and dried to make a tasty as well as healthy snack that stays fresh for a long time.  

4. Tentacool (and Tentacruel)

If seafood is your thing then you can't go wrong with either of these. Now, because they are a poison type Pokemon you've got to be incredibly careful while handling and preparing them. The tentacles are good for pastas and can make a wonderful sauce or rew. However, they really shine when they’re prepared and paired with fresh sushi. It can be tricky to prepare if not eaten raw. When cooking with either of these two you will want to prepare them with just a dash of salt and some lemon. If cooking you want it to just kiss the flame, only cooking for 2-3 minutes tops! Anything more and it becomes a rubbery, gelatinous mess that you'll send the rest of the evening chewing on. While they are abundant in the open water, I suggest just picking it up from your grocery store, or Asian supermarket if you're lucky enough to have one of them near you. Many places will order it for you, but usually it’s not the freshest. While still edible, you probably won't enjoy it as much. If you can get your hands on caught-that-day Tentacool(cruel) then you've got yourself a real treat.

5. Ditto

 

Now it’s time for some dessert. No doubt, you're already stuff from snacking on all those pokemon you've had a chance to try so it’s time for something a bit lighter on the stomach. Ditto is my choice for a great dessert. You can go simple, after capturing Ditto you can easily put it in a decorative bowl in the fridge. The cold will take care of the delicious little morsel and within a few hours will take perfect shape of the bowl. While, it can be a bit bland, that may be exactly what you're looking for. If you want to spice things up, you can go all out and make Ditto Gelato! In it’s frozen state Ditto picks up a lot of the flavors that you mix in with it, so you can go with whatever you like; from simple vanilla to something crazy like  double-berry or even bulbasaur leaf, which has a very nice, green tea-like flavor to it. The best part is this is totally compatible with those people who do not do well with lactose.