I Fucking Suck at Starcaft

There’s no way around it. That is the cold-hard, painful and realistic truth. I fucking suck at starcraft, specifically Starcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm.

I know I haven’t exactly kept up on it since SCII: Wings of Liberty’s release. I played for a while online and then it just sort of petered out, but I’ve put a lot of time into the game since the new expansion was released. After playing against the computer quite regularly and became able to defeat the A.I. on hard. I said to myself, “Self, you’re now ready to go online, challenge then defeat your opponents in this arena of combat where wits and speed determine the winner, you can do this!”

Well you know what? I can’t do it! The learning curve in the multiplayer world of a game that’s been out for two years is damned near vertical! Seriously, it’s almost impossible to enter the arena with people who’ve done nothing but play SCII for the last two years. I remember playing online for awhile when it was first released and here is the thing, this may sound crazy but I was significantly more terrible at the game then, than I am now; I did however have significantly more wins under my belt then I do now. I even enjoyed about a week or so in the Gold ranked league for awhile. I felt pretty god damned proud of myself at that point.

You may think I am exaggerating about how generally terrible I am at the game, but I am not. The last game I played earlier this week was a 2 vs 2 unranked match. Basically, it’s where you go to get practice against other players without having to get ranked. 

Well, needless to say I lost the match and my partner (whom actually did next to nothing that match,) said “You suck and should not be playing any ranked matches.” That’s how bad I am. I am so bad at SCII that people are telling me to not play ranked matches... in unranked games! That doesn’t do much for one’s confidence.

So what now? I find myself torn between playing the successor of my favorite Real-Time Strategy game of all time and dreading the inevitable and very unfortunate reality of having my ass thoroughly removed cheek-by-cheek then handed back to me gift wrapped with a tag on it that says “HA!” It’s downright discouraging! I watch my replays like a good competitor, I watch and read strategy guides from the world’s top-ranking player (Seriously, these fuckin’ people make six figures a year playing Starcraft!) I’ve improved my APM (Actions Per Minute) from something like the low 40’s to 110-120 range and I still suck at Starcraft. I can’t be the only one out there who’s just pouring time into a pipe dream like this can I?

What deity do I need to sell my soul to, to become good at Starcraft? All of them maybe, because I can probably do that. I don’t even believe in the immortal soul. Maybe if I prayed to Blizzard, or the Queen of Blades things will work out? I play Terran so should I probably praise Raynor. “Commander Raynor, please grace will the power and angry of the Terran race, protect me with your Battlecruisers and may their Yamato cannon’s aim be true to smite my enemies on the field of battle... All hail the Raynor!” Lets see if that works...

I’ll let you all know how it works out...